Sunday, November 18, 2012

sendiri mohon, sendiri lari

aku doa minta cinta.
tapi bila cinta datang, 
aku takut,
aku lari, 
konon takut mahu sakit lagi.

jadi, kenapa minta.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

a little bit here and there

woah, it's been quite a while since the last time I wrote here. 

few months ago, how was I like? some kind of broken is it? :)

hello everybody, how's your life going? how's your heart beating? 

2.00 a.m, 17 november 2012. suddenly I'm in mood to write down something here, a world of my own, where I can mingle down all my words and thoughts. 

My life, for these few months. awesome, hectic, but yet, towards, the end of year, it started to be a disaster. 

let's start with early september shall we. semester 5 saya baru bermula pada masa itu. But then, sejak minggu pertama september itu, sampailah sekarang, kerja saya travel saja. cool? no. heh. end of september, I'm in Penang for some University activities, then back from penang, I'm busy choreographing, hah, choreographing gituuuu. mampu? :p sebab I'll not be around for the show, so I do the choreograph part. early october, I was in Kuching for my cousin's convo. hebat kan nok, mau juga pergi kuching. haruslah, cucu pertama, and well, siapalah mau kena kasi tinggal kalau bab holiday. kan? end of october, I had a road trip to bentong,pahang. to berjaya hills resort, some sort of colmar tropicale alike, nice place. and there, for the first time, I tried rock climbing. fun, tapi sakit. then early november, I was in terengganu for festkum, festival kebudayaan universiti-universiti malaysia. and, last week, I'm back home. and today, I'm typing lively from my hostel room. so, each month, I travel, here and there. and guess what? insyaAllah I'll be in riau, indonesia for december, for some U activity again. pergi lebih jauh nampaknya yaaa. syukur alhamdulillah di atas rezeki Allah. :)

next, whats to update? yeah, yeah, I know, pastilah about cinta. nda gitu? haha. boring~~ neah.

love life. still. 2182 days already being single. haha. saja ja do the counting in days, barulah gempak.
but, seriously, fully single and available is, since few months ago I thought, fully not connected via heart or what so ever with that somebody-i-used-to-know. and yes, I'm better off without him. neah, we remains as a friend. haha. good friend. what to do. we are too good as a friend, lovers, no luck.

so, cut the story short, sebenarnya aku baru saja perasan tentang diri aku yang sudah terlalu lama numb, a good friend had asked this "so, kalau kau nampak lelaki handsome, you dont go like wahhhh handsomenyaaa dia, aku mau dia things? no? at all?" and to her amazement, i said noo. how blunt, how numb i was back then. and that question were asked few months ago. so, what, i'm numb like 5 years more. no, that was not numb, that was stupid little me. But to my own surprise, recently, aku pandai sudah tengok jejaka ganteng and oh God, why did you close my eyes and my heart for too long. There are like zillions tons cute guys out there. weehooooo. sekadar cuci mata saja lah. cuci hati? sikitlah. :D

soal hati. kosong masih. belum terisi. and you're welcome to change that. :D orang tanya, kenapa single? aku jawab, tiada orang mau. and that was a real answer. mungkin ada kali yang mau tapi nda berani mau suarakan, apa barang. hehe. or menurut mama si zati, "tu lah, suka mandi bogel, itulah jin jatuh hati, jadi manusia semua tiada yang jatuh hati sama kau." that was shocking. :/ please don;t be true, hehe. but still, soal hati dan cinta, kalau cinta tu mau datang, it will find it owns way. and I, will concentrate on being a good me, a good myself first, prepare myself for that special someone. :) cepatlah datang cari saya, putera sayang~ :)

study? semester 5 is a disaster. tapi mungkin its time, untuk buka mata aku, untuk keluar dari zon selamat. 2 semester sebelumnya, aku main kah, keluar jalan kah, menari tunggang langgangkah, still result daebak. But then semester 5, I don't know, and its hard to predict, lulus tu iyalah, but cemerlang, this time no. and I'm a deep struggle to maintain my study and dancing stuff. and I might fail this time management thing this time. sendiri cari sakit, sendiri tanggung orang kata. I don;t know what to say. saat macam ni, mau berhenti pengajian punya rasa pun ada, but then, sudah separuh jalan, jadi usunglah saja apa yang boleh. yakin dengan Allah, hasbi Allah, La hawla wa quwwata illah billah, Allah ada untuk tolong, insyaAllah.

dari segi sababat, well, as I always say, talk about love, I have no luck in that thing. But in friendship things, count me in, I got the best team of friends of all. Alhamdulillah, I am surrounded with good friends, all of them are good, and that is the best presents from Allah that I don't wish to trade with anything. biarlah tiada cinta kalau begini, asal ada kawan-kawan yang baik, pun cukup sudah. :) to name those good people? neah, no need, there's tons of them, habis tercabut keypad laptop menaip nama kamu semua pun tidak habis juga tertaip, so, you know who you are, I love you, each of you. thank you for always being there, through gemuk atau kurusnya aku, through all. :D

families, whats there to story, I got the best families too. :) 

so, whats else you want to know? recent activities, love life, study, friend and family, all updated in yeah, little bit here and there lah, kalau mau complete story, you are welcome to miss call me, lets have a talk. :)

so, new year is coming, it seems like i'll enter 2013 as a single lady, again, for the 6th years. dasar foreveralone. -.-"

but still, i'm happy, and blessed, and contented with the loves around me. syukran Allah. 

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Late night thoughts 1

Can i ever love again?
This heart, can it feels again?

Tuesday, August 14, 2012


No matter how hurt could we get in the past, we still can't denied the truth that we still want to be happy... AGAIN. - quoted from a friend

Monday, August 13, 2012

About me #2

I'm allergic to sweet talker. It takes a real special someone to make me feels that sweet talk is sweet.

If you talk sweet and all i feel is irritation, you failed so just stop or korean say Geummanhae.

You have to know that all those sweet talk, it didn't go just for anybody. Save all those sweet talks for the real one, can you? No?

Pure friendship? Pure love?

I was on the phone with one of my babe last few days. We are talking about, well we talked a lot of course haha. But mainly we open up this issue about love and friendship. Yeah boring~~~~

She did this, confessing her feelings to her best friend. How it happens, it is not the main thing about what I'm about to talk. But this. She said "thats the biggest mistake I've ever made in our friendship, i wont do it again, i wouldn't want to lose my best friend again, i wouldn't want to lose all the laugh we had......"

Confessing our love is not a mistake, i tell her. "ya, tidak salah tapi dengan itu situasi jadi serba salah" which after that i agree. Things became so awkward after that, it takes month of silence before everything be the same like before. Not same, but at least better than silence.

What captured my attention is this "i wouldn't want to lose all the laugh we had...." then i know she's talking about the real friendship. Pure friendship.

I was like ah so this is how real friendship is, i mean between a girl and a boy. Sebab aku pegang mazhab 'tiada lelaki dan perempuan boleh berkawan tanpa ada rasa cinta, pasti ada yang terlebih rasa'.

That feelings, yang dia rasa, biarlah aku hilangkan rasa cinta ni, yang penting aku nda hilang beat friend aku, yang penting kami masih boleh berketawa, ada tempat aku meluah and all that.

That's a remarkable feeling you know. So pure. As long as i have him as friend, it is more than enough.

I always think that I'm building a friendship with my ex. My case might be different because he's my best friend too so it is indeed hard to say the good bye. But i have this thinking that as a friend, I have to leave because I'm giving him spaces so he can love other girls without me on his sight. Well now people, that is not pure friendship. That is a bit feeling of love still hanging within myself. Because if I'm really a good friend, i'll stay, forgetting what ever love that we had, and stay, at least, so that i can hear all the laughter of a friend like what my babe said.

No I'm not thinking of going back or looking back but comparing myself to my babe, i should have stayed.

A pure friendship, it means, we can lose everything, every other thing but not the tears and joy of the people that means the world to us, which is our best friend. Its like you and I, against the world.

But pure love means, it is okay to lose the people that we love as long as they can be happy with the one they love. It is okay, let me cry in silence and you be happy. That is love. Pure love.

For love, it is okay to see your love one from distance.

But for friendship, no that is not okay,i have to be near to share the laughter and joy!

Because friendship means sharing, and love is all about sacrificing.

And that pure love that i meant it can be with anybody not just for lovebirds, for a mother to the child for example maybe something happen and make their relationship turns bad but a mother will still be watching and praying from far away.

Or the better example is how Allah love us despite we're doing so many unforgiven sins, how Allah give us many things even though we're doing all the wrong thing instead of sujud padaNya. That is pure love.

But you're lucky if you can get pure love and friendship from the same person. i used to think that i'm lucky because i used to have that. unfortunately, not anymore. :)

So, that is a bit about pure love and pure friendship from the sight of 21 years old me. Very soon to be 22.

A little advice

You're not supposed to say people changed after knowing s/he just for few months.

Because in just little time, people don't change, but it is just the beginning of showing the real part of them.

And. Here's the little advice baby girl, he didn't changed, he just get bored.....

Monday, August 6, 2012

Mending the pieces 1

It is amazing how we can update about each other in just few minutes, despite months not talking to each other.

They say, true friendship comes when silence becomes comfortable between two. :)

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Doa ibu

29 july. Puasa ke 9.

Aku tidur awal tapi around 1am aku terbangun sebab bunyi notification twitter dari phone. Meol tweet "xnak ikut baking class ke?" hahah. Then rancak lah aku tweeting. Tweet punya tweet tidak sedar sampai jam 2 sudah. So alang-alang lah kan teruskan sampai sahur sebab aku lah tukang masak family, kalau aku terlajak tidur naya juga jadi peyebab seisi rumah nda sahur kan. So alarm untuk masak ialah jam315. Sementara tunggu 315 memang aku tweeting dan dengar lagu ja.

Tepat 315 am, aku pun turun lah mau pegi dapur and this is the moment where i saw a beautiful very beautiful scene. I saw my mum, my ibu sedang sujud di sejadah, tahajud. Mata terus berair okay. Bayangkan patutnya kalau kita nda boleh tidur, kita beribadah lah kan bukan macam aku tweeting.

They said. Salah satu keberkatan yang kita ada dalam hidup ini ialah keberkatan doa ibu. Indahnya. Ever wonder dari mana datangnya hati kamu yang kuat mau hadapi break up? Dari mana datangnya result yang bagus walaupun malas kalah babi? Dari mana datangnya rezeki bila kau rasa tiada duit sudah? Dari mana datangnya ketenangan hati?

Ya betul, memang ada banyak faktor lain untuk kita dapat segala jenis kekuatan, segala jenis kesenangan. Tapi bagi aku, salah satu sebab terbaik ialah doa ibu. Paling mujarab. And pernahkah kamu berterima kasih atas semua doa doa ibu?

Yang kamu tau pasal doa ni kalau masa exam ja kan? Di situlah kau ' mak doakan aku ya?' kalau mama aida, bila aida cakap macam tu, mama dia jawab 'iya nak, jangan susah, memang hari-hari mama kasi doa kau tapi kau mesti belajar juga kalau nda biar banyak didoa pun nda kau berjaya' ehehe. :P

Spend a little time, wish your mum thank you for all her prayers will you?

Setiap kali aku birthday or even in random times, ibu always text me saying that 'ibu p mana2 pun ibu nda pernah lupa doakan anak-anak ibu' and i believe every mother in this world will do the same thing despite religions and all that, every mother will be just the same.

Its just i really2 believe in doa ibu you know. So bila nampak ibu tahajud i imagined she has a lot to say to Allah, she has a lot to wish and pray for her husband, for her children, for her family, for her friend. I imagined she has a lot to ask from Allah, things that money cannot buy, things that she cannot give to us. Such as rezeki, good result, ketabahan, kekuatan, keselamatan.

I seriously believe in that. Terutama lah aku ni broken heart sentiasa by the same guy. Its not broken cuma yala kisah yang tidak berkesudahan. But my heart is kind of strong, i am not showing off, i just want to illustrate more. So i believe this kind of strong heart come from her prayers and most of it comes from her gene lah.

Take some time to say thanks to your mother, hug her. Okay? Her prayers make you you today! Her prayers keep you safe! And kalau ibu anda berada bersama Tuhan, its your time to send some prayers for her.:) say thank you, she is listening.:)

Oh and you too should pray a lot for your mother!

Very well people.
Salam ramadhan.

"May Allah leads you to a better woman"

"may Allah leads you to a better woman"-mumun.

I read that in her blog. And that little phrase, is beyond inspiring.

I myself for all these years, about 6 years to be exact, was kind of a good ex, maybe. But those words, i never ever thought about that. Yes i might be praying for his happiness, be it with or without me i always say, for him to meet a girl that can make him happy which at this moment as i make this post, i think he have found one. :)

But to pray for Allah to leads him to a better woman than me. Why do i never thought about that.

People talks about redha and forgiving. It is kind of hard to do, yes. Try to be in our shoes and feel how hard it is. But i believe in this two things, if you can forgive, and you are redha enough, insyaAllah it is more easier for you to let go.

Talks about letting go. I clarified myself already let go of him. And talks about the context of letting go, it is not necessary to have a substitute so that you can be happy. Yes it is one of the way but it is not a must.

Don't worry about me. Though he has found a substitute and i am still single. I believe in faith. It is just not my time yet. And i am very happy with what i have now. With all the love from people around me. I am contended.

I have leave my heart opened. Let see who can go through everything go through against the odd to be with me. In silence, i am waiting.

And for that special lucky girl, do know that you are lucky to have an oppurtunity to know him, to love him. He is one of a kind, special in every way. Have patience in dealing him. Yes he is quite weak when there are many attractive girls(sometime not even attractive) around. Put in a lot of trust in him. don't push him too much. He likes to play around but he loves you. He will.:)

And as for us, me and him. I'm not just his ex, i'm his friend, the greatest one in the mean time before you be the greatest friend for him. Put away your jealousy of me. Try to know me and not to forget try to know his friends too. We don't bite. Hehe. and yes, i am quite near with his family, but i hope you don't feel any pressure in that. We cannot do anything as we could break the gf bf relationship but not the family bonds. At the very least, maybe i could drag myself far away to make way for you to come in his family, i will, if you want to. You are lucky, girl. Don't you ever forget that. And please make him happy. It is not hard to put a smile on his face, even a candy could.:) just be there for him. My prayers are all around.

From 21 years old nysa.

About me #1

I find myself not attracted to straight forward guys. Its nice to be straight forward, i know. But most probably it is because i'm afraid. I think i need someone to make me fly high then make me fall but that someone will be ready to catch me.

I am sorry for being too stiff. My walls were made higher day by day and its been too long. I'm truly sorry. But i believe there's someone who will willingly breaks those wall, patiently trying. I know. I know. And i'm patiently waiting too.

Friday, July 13, 2012


As much as i wanted you to stay, i cannot make you stay.

As much as i wanted to make you my everything, i no longer can do it.

As much as i want to miss you, i know i shouldn't.

What the future held for us? What is there for us to keep?

I just hope we will not hate each other. At least, i hope i won't hate you.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

ceritera makanan buka puasa.

1 rejab. aku puasa. semangat. sebab aku ada terbaca post yang cakap rejab bulan Allah. 1 rejab, adalah salah satu daripada 5 malam yang Allah buka langit. some kind of bila langit dibuka, all the prayers will go straight and maybe lebih mudah diperkenankan, who knows. But grab all the opurtunitiy lah kan. and they said berpuasa dua hari di awal rejab menjanjikan pahala besar, so there I go, puasa. :)

tadi jam 3 petang, tengah kelas pun sibuk sudah aku fikir pasal mau berbuka puasa apa. and semakin aku cakap pasal berbuka puasa semakin lah aku lapar. better not to talk about it, :D. 
mulalah fikiran cakap "kalaulah sekarang di rumah. kalaulah sekarang di rumah", "boleh makan itu ini....."
If I am home, pasti aku request banyak-banyak dari ibu. and to have your wishes on food fullfilled when you are fasting is a bless. with that, I have a story. just a kind of flashback. I shouldn't think about this but when talking about hajat hati dipenuhi, I remember this thing.

Last puasa, on the very first day of puasa. Ada someone ni request mau makan ayam masak kicap. em, itu favourite food dia. and he indeed pernah rasa the ayam masak kicap that I made back when we are still in school, form 3. oh yes, I can cook. cook well. :) he cannot make himself back home due to few problems so he requested for it, he says "bukannya tiada kedai di KK ni, but aku mau makan ayam masak kicap kau, at least rasa macam di rumah." 

maka, gigihlah aku masak kan. siap buat custard cake. and dia pun gigih juga drive all the way to papar from KK(bukan jauh pun). he WAS once the person I love. so cooking for someone you love, it is a nice thing to do. its like semua kasih sayang kau curahkan masa memasak tu. every tiny details, potong bawang and all that, its all made out of love. so, masakan kan, bila dibuat dengan kasih sayang, sedap dia lain. 

He really love it and was very thankful. even masa raya when makanan yang disediakan at my home were spaghetti and kari ayam, he still requesting "boleh masak ayam masak kicap?" with that I know, he really like it and I feel appreciated. 

me and him, don't know where we went wrong. Allah knows more about that. perhaps it is a way to protect us both. who knows. he's with other girl now, i'm not sure in a relationship or what and I didn't bring myself to know anything about him again, but sincerely I pray for his happiness and the girl, may you be the best for him. cherish him, accept his flaws as you accept his perfectness. and with that girl, you'll be the happiest girl alive. oh and me? neh, pandailah putera aku datang tu. I didn't search, I'm waiting for the pemilik tulang rusuk. :)

So, the feeling of dapat makanan yang kita mau masa puasa is blissful. apalagi dari orang yang kita sayang. and, menyediakan makanan untuk orang yang kita sayang, pun blissful. I guess that is how our mothers feel when they prepared our food. right. 

and when I'm home, I always cook. cook for my family. ayah, ibu, and adik2, includes cousin or macik pacik, always suka and are so cheerful if I cooked and mesti lingis(licin) ni kalau dorang makan. and that is the blissful moment. bukan susah mau buat orang happy, masak, give them. they will smile sampai telinga. 

and yes, I miss cooking, baking. I'm a girl anyway. dalam ganas, tetap ada juga sikit ciri pandai mengurus rumahtangga. woot woot. :)

selamat berbuka puasa 1 rejab.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

as cousin masuk matrik esok, aku pula mengimbau kenangan.

esok, one of my cousin akan masuk matrik. matrikulasi labuan. this is the first time for her to leave home, and this is the first experience for her parents to send away their child from home. As I type this post, they're staying at grand dorsett labuan, one of the finest hotel there, fully supported by my bapa tua. such a bless eh, actually the room was for my bapa tua sebab anak dia pun sepatutnya masuk matrik but to cut story short, his son tidak jadi masuk matrik sebab he chose unimas so all the facilities that were booked earlier goes to us. eh, us pula kan? haha. my ayah and my bro pun follow them juga as my ayah kan experienced sudah menghantar aku, her one and only daughter.

dari tadi petang, aku sedang merisaukan my cousin ni. aku fikir nanti dia homesick. and aku fikir pasal her mum juga. oh, my cousin name? hani nadhirah. i call her ira. oh and yes, she's beautiful. :) after ira dapat tau dia akan masuk matrik, she text me a lot, asking about what to bring, what to wear there, what to buy, this and that. "kak, boleh pakai tudung apa ja di sana kah?", "kak, baju mesti berkolar?", "kak, boleh pakai selipar?", "kak, heater mau bawa? iron?" some kind of nice juga bila diri ini dijadikan rujukan. :D

so, as aku terfikir2 pasal macam mana lah ira ni esok, aku pun membuka lah topik di bilik aku ni. pasal kenangan mula-mula masuk matrik. maka bergelak tawa lah kami ni mengingat. all the cries and laughter. all the homesick. there I tell you, yang bodoh2 masa dulu yang buat kita ketawa today kan. :)

one of my roommate, name norjan, jenis yang cry out loud. so norjan said as her kakak walk out the door, she cries like berhabis meraung, didn't think about orang lain langsung. and she called her mum.

"mak, pulanglah aku!"
"jadi ndalah kau belajar?"
"belajar mak, form6 di kampung pun boleh. wuwuwuwu."

aku pernah dengar norjan menangis, so it is kind of pure cry from heart you know. yang kuat sambil tersengguk-sengguk. eh, what we call that? tersengguk is it? so, as I imagine about her crying, I laugh lah. must be funny.

and for aida pula. she said, baru ja sampai matrik, she was already counting about berapa hari mau balik rumah. like "satu bulan, 10 hari" and all that. and again calling with her mum.

"mak, aku mau pulang"
"iya, mamak pun rindu kau"
*tiba-tiba kakak aida yang rampas telefon
"ini jalan yang kau pilih!teruskan lah hidupmu sana!

boleh pula macam tu kan? ganas kakak aida ni, bukan nda sayang. but dalam setiap keluarga akan ada satu penguat semangat, since mama aida pun jenis lembut hati, silap-silap kalau kakak aida tiada at that time, free-free aida pulang sandakan berhenti matrik.

and as for me? my family, i mean, ibu and me jenis tabah-tabah punya orang kan. some kind of ego maybe mau nangis depan-depan, yang jenis cries softly at behind, yang jenis cepat2 bergerak after berpelukan so that we didn't cry in front of each other. so aku tiada lah cerita yang meraung-raung ni. and as aku sudah berjauh dari rumah since form 1, kurang lah sikit berat masa mau masuk matrik, but still berat lah yang macam tiba-tiba jantung aku berat 100kg before jalan dari rumah. but about being away from home, the best story of me is when my mum send me away masa form 1.

ayah saja yang hantar aku sampai SMSL(sek men sains labuan) masa tu. and preparation was fully made by ibu, that one day, yang aku bangun, and nampak 2 big luggage were fulled. hanger, jam loceng, sabun, baju, sweater, selipar tandas, complete! tinggal angkat and jalan. and masatu kan masi kecil, muda, so we are thinking about spending time with friends only, so masa mau jalan tu I didn't cry lah. but when ayah about to go, aku cakap. "bye, jalanlah ayah cepat!" sebab my tears was di hujung-hujung mata sudah. and malam tu, cuci kain. ehem, 1st time lah cuci kain pakai tangan, so as aku memberus tu, setiap berusan diiringi dengan esakan. and kalau orang lain masuk tandas, barulah esakan stopped, and lepas orang keluar, sambung teresak balik. homesick, semua orang pernah rasa. setabah mana pun, selelelaki mana pun, semua orang pernah rasa and cry like a baby to sleep just because of homesick.

and as for my dearest Ibu, ayah told me, the first time i was away from her, she was like dying. she walked to her workplace crying all the way. cry the whole weak, everytime masa makan, cry cry and cry. :') she said "apalah nisa makan ni?" :') awh, ibu, kasihmu sampai syurga. i know you think I didn't know about this til now but ayah did tell me a long time ago. same goes to this last year, when my bro mau sambung belajar WALAUPUN di kk ja yang only an hour from home pun, she called my aunt and lemah-lemah she says "si anip mau sambung belajar sudah. siapa lah di rumah ni. sunyi lah kami ni" ibu ibu, engkaulah ratu hatiku.

kalau diberi pilihan, nda aku mau jauh-jauh ni betul. sebab bila lagi aku mau di rumah. pasni kerja, pas kerja kahwin, so when lah aku akan habiskan masa dengan my ibu lagi. so ada hikmah juga single ni. paling kurang 3 4 tahun lagi kahwin, so 3 4 tahun ni ja la aku ada masa mau spend time with family and friends. kan kan. nah, that is one of the positive side of being single. pernah nda kau terfikir macam tu?;)

so berbalik pada cerita ira.

"ira, kakak tau, besok as ibu abah, apis and ijam walk out of your door room, you will cried your lungs out. as you stay the first night there, you will cry yourself to bed. but dear, endure the pain ya?" you were out for good. it is the time to face the world, walaupun kejam, this is the process to become a person. go there, study saja. jangan fikir pasal rumah. ibu abah, your sisters and brothers pandai lah atur hidup dorang without you at home. ayam2 pun kak mary kasi makan, jangan risau. :) kalau ada orang mengurat, layan saja. but study is your priority. score 4 flat. jangan jadi macam kakak. :) Iloveyou. call me anytime. I'm here for you. best wishes from kakak, love all the way from pahang. "

and ada one funny story between nenek dan ira.

"kau mau jadi apa nanti lepas matrik?"
"doktor kali nek"
"nda payah lah! jadi engineer saja supaya boleh kerja di sabah!"

haha. :D

nenek got this phobia where her one and only daughter, maci mismah, was away from home masa muda, kahwin semenanjung, live KL til now and jarang balik kampung. So, nenek don't wan't us, her cucu to be away. nenek pun selalu tanya aku

"nanti kau kerja di sini sini saja kan? ada kan kerja kau di kk kk?" nenek nenek. :)

this me and ira, last raya.

Monday, May 14, 2012

there's always the first time in everything.

At the very least, I should finished some assignment tonights or else I could faint with exhaustion. But, sebab hati tidak berapa sedap, I feel like wanna talk but not to talk to anybody, so out of no where, i was thinking about this blog yang sudah bersarang.

this few months, there's too much thing going on in my life. most of it are good things, few of those aren't good. whose life will be so good in everything by the way? perhaps if I got other time, I would make some posts about all those things. But in this middle of the night, I would love to talk about what happen very recently, very very recently, it was 2 days ago.

11 may 2012. I was in a singing competition. oh ya, you didn't read that wrong. It is SINGING competition. if you know me, I am someone that is quite synonim with dancing, but never even close to singing. seriously, menyanyi dalam tandas di hostel pun segan okay. tandas rumah berani lah juga. My voice is kind of limited to people that really know me, like few of families and roommates, sebab hanya mereka pernah dengar aku karaoke. and I was never really good, setakat boleh-boleh saja lah. Even not to my bestfriend, sebab this singing things strikes me about 2 3 years backwards, and mariam and me were always thousands miles away.

And to be exact, it is MANDARIN SONG COMPETITION. aha, that is quite shocking is it. but not so shocking lah actually because I can speak mandarin walaupun not so well anymore. So, the process is kind of funny lah sebab kekurangan keyakinan diri and all that. til the very saat terakhir of hantar borang baru I go and sent in my registration form where the pejabat close at 5.p.m and my class also finished at 5.p.m, I was like tawakal and bergantung pada rezeki saja, kalau pejabat masih buka, then I join, if no, then not rezeki. So, kind of rezeki lah kan the pejabat still open. and they said the audition is the next day. at that time, dalam sedar tidak sedar memang aku sudah hafal a mandarin song which I always sang in the room so bab hafal-hafal lagu wasn't a problem. The problem at that time is, either I sang acapella or with instrument, minus one was not accepted during audition. Mana mungkin aku ber-acapella, tidak akan. so, masalahnya ialah mencari pemain gitar. I swear to myself, if I could play, I won't susahkan siapa-siapa. and sangat susah lah mencari guitarist at that time sebab this competition clashed with Saturday night life event where all  the Umpians musician will join that event. In my mind, there's this boy who can play and Saturday Night life wasn't his priority but he didn't want to do any performance. despite all that, aku tetap called him and ask, mula-mula I just ask him untuk kasi biasa aku with the guitar things and I say I will find another guitarist, but as we are practising, I managed to convinced him to joined me. So, there, I get a guitarist.

then, we enter the audition. aku membayangkan a closed audition. never occured to my mind that it is an opened audition. setibanya aku di tempat kejadian pun, there are so many people there, and that is where I almost get this some kind of breakdown. and lagi lah mengharukan keadaan when they said I'm the second contestant. My guitarist yang  kononnya sangat nervous pula turn to be sangat calm during audition. Its like we are changing souls sebelum audition, I was always the calm one but not this time. If you are there, you could see that I was like a sad kitten yang sangat2 kasihan. I was trembling. But I know as I opened my mouth, the judges were quite atonished. tapi, sebab terlalu nervous, till the very last words, I didn't even angkat my eyes to see the audience. til my guitarist laugh because he said "bibir kau pun begegar". can you imagine the ritcher scale of my nervous then?  epic is it sampai the lips shake. :D So, the judges give me second chance and ask mee to see the audience, and after that I did qualified myself to the final. But, there's this one funny story happen here. All the judges are actually pure chinese from china. So, it is a bit hard to understand their english, and what I heard was "can you sing last friday night?". tapi sebenarnya what she say is "see you this friday night". hah, nasib baik aku tidak nyanyi lagu last friday night, kalau tidak, kuyak sepanjang zaman lah kan. semua nervous punya pasal.

So, as i qualified to the final, and suddenly they said minus one must be use during final, my guitarist didnt follow me to final, and I have to perform solo. And they asked for two songs, so I have to hafal another song. Luckily I did hafal another song. not so hafal, but 1 day is enough for me to prepare. I was nervous, indeed. aku takut trembling til the voice begegar. I was afraid in many things. And ayah. yes my ayah, ayah is a great singer where actually anak-anak dia tidak berapa mendapat darah seni dia tu. so, when I tell him he was like"really?" but yes he did yakin in me, keep on calling to give tips and all that. 15 minutes before audition though I didn't remind him, he called. I didn't think about this seriously before that because I think it is not because the voice, for me, it is because of the mandarin ability in speaking but it turn out to be yes you need to sing well to enter this thing.

it was never about winning. seriously, throughout the process, I did aware this gonna help me a lot for myself. For the courage and self confidence. So, dalam mau tidak mau, I enter the final stage. again, as the lucky second contestant. langkah pertama naik stage, I tell you, I can't even feel the stage. its like "did I step it, eh, where's my feet going? okay, I'm not falling, keep on going" and the butterfly in the stomach feeling. uh, I tell you it's like thousand butterflies are in my stomach that time. dalam kebegegaran aku tu, I greet the audience, the music started and I saw few of my friends, and there, they are my strength. :) It was not a good voice quality of performance coz theres part I cant tarik my voice sebab terlalu begegar, but I did give my best. seeing all the faces that was eager to know whether this girl can pull everythings out and there I wave to the audience. I didnt think of anything but just this one, at least, when the audience go back, I wanted to make my performance was one of the performance that they can't forget. A performance that everyone could remember. I want just that. I did have some fun performing, perhaps the joy that hepls me a lot is it.

this is my video by the way, :)

not so good is it? but that was my first time. first time singing in front of a crowd. and to make it different, forst time singing, even in mandarin, in front of a crowd.

and after all this things, I have this one satisfaction for myself. that a tiny part of me say "at least, I have a bit of ayah's talent." all this things, it was for him, my dearest ayah. My biggest idol in singing. at the very least, after this, ayah and me could share and talk about singing. that is all this is about. never about winning, nor anything.

and ayah says he was proud and say that I could join him jamming when I go back home later. So what else did I want? nothing.

There's nothing I want in my life besides to make ayah and ibu proud of me.

there's second song actually but sebab ada maslaah teknikal and it ended with me singing not using minus one but the mp3 song with original song, it spoil my performance but it is okay.

and i ended as the first runner for this competition and the winner is cynthia george, there you can read her story here, cynthia winning story. :). second runner up is linda. saguhati goes to diana and her boyfriend. diana has this very sedap voice, really. some kind of when you hear, it is so menenangkan. I like. and about performing with boyfriend, I might do a post about that.

ah, and to end everything with, of course, not to forget every single person that sangat-sangat menyokong jatuh bangun saya, ibu ayah adik-adik, roommates yang walaupun tidak dapat sebut the words but still sing the melody with me, my guitarist who didnt perform with me but was there through all the process, friends yang datang supporting, wishes that comes from facebook and messages.

I was blessed to have all of you.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

7 months without anything.

assalamualaikum, salam sejahtera semua(ya, memberi salam bagai ramai yang membaca blog ini, padahal sekebis kuman pun tiada. :p)

7 months, 7 bulans(bulans, untuk menunjukkan banyak bulan,haha). lamanya blog ini tidak dihapdate(bak kata ramai blogger yang lain "hapdateee".)

let me share with you about my thoughts. a  bit about whats in my mind, now..

my gratitude, penghormatan aku pada saat ini, aku berikan khas kepada anda semua blogger-blogger yang mampu meng-update blog anda seperti anda meng-update status FB atau TWITTER. wa tabik sam lu brother and sister sekalian. its like, "how in the world that they managed to do that?" 

i got this one friend, blog dia dulu, aku yang tolong hias, tolong buatkan, tambah lagu lah, tukar background lah, itu dan ini. dia baru kenal erti blog ni masa kami dalam semester 1 di U, dalam bulan 7 2010. she's very new to blog at that time, lebih baru dari aku. but now, phewwww. her followers mencecah puluhan ribu, eh, no lah, belasan ribu i think. and she have a page in FB, yang bagaikan artis, ala, not biasa2 punya page, page yang dibuat if you all adalah public figure or somebody. woah! hebat kan hebat kan? and aku? hanya 39 followers,haha(now, join me laugh) :D

you know, dulu, aku buat blog sebab aku rasa, ada certain thing yang aku tidak mampu ungkapkan kepada manusia(sorry, aku tau aku ada families and friends to talk, i love you all, its not that i don't share anything, but  please continue reading.) ada certain masalah yang kau lebih selesa tulis, or in this case type, this is not a private blog and of course it can be accessed by anyone in this world. so why the hell lah mau share with outsiders that cannot keep your secret? its a feeling that i want to talk about this, let people read, let them judge, i dont know them, they dont know me, they just know my story but not entirely me, and bla bla bla. and i think this is the same reason why people wants to blog anyway, because we couldn't talk secara visual or berdepan. i believe, semua blogger ada rasa yang sama. this blog, your blog is like another world to you, you angry, you cry, you love, you lie, everything is in here. right?

tapi, itu dulu. itu apa aku fikir masa aku baru buat blog. then, a few months ago, aku mau update blog setelah lama tidak meng-hapdate, then suddenly aku terfikir, kenapa mau share everything sama dunia? a world that you cannot trust? why???(well, actually aku tidak jadi update sebab masa aku buat that post, then tiba2 pula dia tidak automatic save the draft, and aku terlanggar charger laptop sampai tercabut, without the battery attached to the laptop, so the post, yang sudah panjang aku taip, lost! then, aku pun macam "aku memang tidak ditakdirkan untuk share sama dunia benda ni, simpan sendiri sudah~~~~)

and ditambah lagi ayah aku yang tiba-tiba terjumpa blog ini, setelah dia tiba-tiba terfikir untuk taip namanya di google(ya, he googled himself. :D), he found that post that i talked about him. yang most of my friend cried sebab baca, and early in the morning ayah called me and say "ada ayah jumpa blog kau. ayah google nama ayah, terus nampak blog kau. ui, hebat juga penulisan kau) ya, dalam dia terharu, dia sempat memuji. and aku pun go like "ohshit," then, terus aku teragak-agak mau update lagi, nanti ketahuan dong semuanya :P

tapi, walaupun aku tidak update blog, aku still baca blog orang, there are certain blog yang macam hari-hari aku buka untuk cek ada post baru atau tidak. seperti, blog, hanis zalikha, fatin liyana, fatin suhanathe other khairul(ya ini semua yang famous-famous punya). termasuklah juga blog my bestfriend, mariam amruddin. and semua 39 of you yang followed me. dan juga blog-blog lain yang kadang-kadang link mereka muncul di wall FB aku.

they all, you all, amazed me. the way you guys mampu update your blog. well, not lah everyday, but still manage to make a comeback maybe daily, twice a day, 3 hari a day, seminggu a day. but not lah 7 months a day like me kan.

soo, kenapa lah aku mau update today? sebab tiba-tiba aku mempercayai dunia semula? hihi, sebab suddenly, aku terfikir mau share something, not personal. it's just a thing that i think from my point of view. because you know, kadang-kadang kita rasa blog kita ni macam tidak penting, we talked bukan-bukan, benda sia -sia in here, but you dont know, kita semua tidak tahu, how maybe dari apa yang kita cakap, people can opened their mind, to think things different from their own perspektif, how our blog might gives any additional info to solve their problem. maybe to gather information about the places that we have go, the things that we have been through. kan? we didn't know. but kongsilah walau secebis ayat, wah wah. :)

and, orang-orang yang ada blog ni, bukanlah gedik, minta puji, poyo, buang tebiat or any other words dari pengertian kamu( tapi kadang-kadang adalah juga yang minta puji,hihihihihihihhihi). its just, yang pilih untuk baca blog-blog orang pun kamu sendiri, tiada siapa paksa. there's no banner stating "YOU MUST READ MY BLOG", kalau boleh dengan caption sebesar gajah and warna merah and tulisan yang macam darah mengalir lagi, just untuk kamu baca. tiada kan?? so, if you wanna read, you read. if you don't want, don't. we shared, because we cared.

but, talk lah something yang bagi benefit untuk orang. not like, 'awh, comelnya saya hari ini', gila. i hate that. hahahha.

and bukanlah bermakna dengan post ini, saya akan berjanji untuk menghapdate dengan rajinnya. saya tidak tahu apa yang saya rasa esok. i have no clue. sebab soal hati ni, uih, tiada siapa-siapa yang mampu jangka. even the loves feeling. its like now i love you, now i don't. we never know. maybe pada saat dan ketika ini, kita asa cinta betul sama somone ni, yang "i will marry this guy/girl" bullshit! esok kau hidup or mati pun kau nda tau. jadi jangan jugalah terlampau.(ini pandangan aku yang tahun 2012 ni bakal berusia 22 tahun, kalau 8 tahun lalu, masa aku tingkatan dua, i'll say the same thing, "i will marry him!" nah, bullshit to the 14 years old me! hahahahhaha. break up itu perit. tapi itu yang ajar kau untuk kuat. i've experienced heartached for thousand times, from the same guy. sakit ui. apa lagi rasanya kalau yang rasa heartached from different guys. banyak rasa sakit tu kan kamu rasa? ada yang sakit macam digigit semut ja, and ada juga kali rasa yang macam "bagus kau bunuh ja aku kalau kau mau kasi sakit aku begini~~~!". tapi, semua sakit-sakit itu yang ajar kau erti hidup. all the sakit makes you you, makes you yourself. and orang yang sakitkan kamu tu, mana juga kamu tau itu jodoh kamu atau tidak. manatau biar bercinta 10 tahun pun dengan your current bf/gf, tiba-tiba jodoh yang tertulis di loh mahfuz adalah si the one yang kasi kau rasa sakit macam mau terkeluar jantung tu. nah, kan? so, don't hate, don't carut too much yaaa. life is so good in giving the karma(kepercayaaan hindu, tapi pada agama kita, lebih kepada qada' dan qadar'. benda yang kau benci, itu yang kau dapat. benda yang kau kutuk, you'll end up doing the same thing malah lebih teruk dari yang kau kutuk. that's life.

oh my, memang aku begitu kan? kalau cakap pasal hati, ui, macam jubur ayam murainya.

just wanna say, its not a promise that i'll update selalu. (again, talking like aku bannyak follower yang akan resah kalau aku tidak update). :D oh, and the things i wanna share tu, i think i'll share tomorrow, or maybe nanti pagi kalau mata ini masih belum mahu lelap. penat sebenarnya, and mau cuba untuk menidurkan diri.

salam 14 januari untuk semua. terima kasih kerana sudi membaca picisan yang sia-sia. <3